A Challenge

I feel like Jean Valjean.

I’m starting to question who I am. What I am. Where I am going. What it all means.

Of course, I’m not running from the law with a child that I took from a sleazy bar during the French revolution, but still, I feel like my life is that confusing.

I want you all to know clearly and truly (take your time, I don’t want you to misunderstand): I…AM…A…HYPOCRITE. That means “someone who is not who they seem to be.” “Someone who tries to deceive.” “A liar.” I lie everyday in the ways I communicate, in the ways that I appear. If you ask me how I am, don’t trust my answers. If you see me smile, have some doubt about my smiling heart.

My relationships are no longer like a sunny meadow. That’s how it was when I was a child. Every laugh bright and green. I turned into a teenager, and my life became overcast. My screaming can’t reach my mouth. I can no longer think straight and a heavy hand grasps my heart at every chance of happiness. Life like the many flashes from a Polaroid camera, I am blinded with hopeful insignificance.

I speak, but the fire of my thoughts burn my throat and nothing is heard.

I write and my pen runs dry before I can explain.

Who, no what, am I?

Am I dramatic, and this is just a farce?

Maybe I’m completely different and no one will understand.

What if I’m irrelevant and no one will care?

Or maybe I’m the most spoilt sinner, deserving of hell, eternal judgment, God’s wrath. Yes. This is truth finally.

I am selfish, proud, and arrogant. I am a perverse fire, I am an unwilling sacrifice. My heart is rotten, like a soured apple, and my soul causes my affliction. I can only weep and moan in my own waste looking to receive the light of God’s eye.

Why can’t we see each other? Why can’t we see each other! Look into a friend’s eyes. Look into your parent’s eyes. Look into your own eyes. I am an unworthy sinner.

BUT

God sent His Son to save you from utter destruction. From unending flame, and unceasing pain. He chose YOU.

Why?

Not of anything in you! Because He wanted to. That’s why.

Now?

Live. Just live. Obey His commands, and love. It is pretty simple. We don’t need to go around wondering who we are. We are redeemed. We are God’s children. Now live like it. Forgive, Love, Endure, Hope, Witness, and STOP! STOP! STOP! Being proud. Eradicate it! Take it out of your soul. Take it out of my soul, oh GOD!


Dear me,

You disgust my soul and everyday I will try to kill you. Take your residence elsewhere and make room for the Spirit of the Living God. Thanks.

Myself.


Now hear my challenge. This is not more fiction. This is me. This is your friend calling for help. Please comment, whether it be anonymous or not, just let me know, let everyone know that they are not in this by themselves. We seem to be caught up in a mess of jokes and sarcasms, we seem to be caught up in stolidness and unfeeling. Let everyone know that you are there, alive, for them. That you care, and that you need to be cared for. This is a cry, a plea, that we let each other know that we are hurting. We all are. Just communicate it.

Not many people will see this. Not many people will care. But I do. And I’m sure others do too.

So please, be a Godsend, and let others know that you exist. As a brother. As a sister. As a friend in Christ.